A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older
three had red hair, light skin and were tall, while the youngest son had black
hair, dark eyes and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to
his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me -- is our
youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that is holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't
ask about the other three."
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley
that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This
bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He
mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times
last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times
last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times
last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last
year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with
the same cow."
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She
said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He asked, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told
her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
And then the fight started.....
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
"Holy crap. That must be my husband!"
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He
smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his
car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"
And then the fight started.....
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband
picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife and so they carry
on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.
Lie Detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of
unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year
old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting
home?', they asked.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project' said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went
after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am
sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I
never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse
right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad
with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her
three times.
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