Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun,
and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the
road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love
my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a
tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he
sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god,
your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions
gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to
escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers -- we had $100 when we
broke in!"
And you think lawyers don't have hearts. The best lawyer story
of all time...bar none.
The United Way realized that it had never received a
donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way
volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that
even though your annual income is over two million dollars,
you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give some
thing back to your community through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your
research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful
illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to
pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I
didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a
disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to
support his wife and six children?
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an
apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's
husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage
and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has
learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten,
says, I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So... if I didn't give any money
to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
Two Lawyers are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the
robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including
the Lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on Lawyer number one jams something in Lawyer number two's
hand. Without looking down, Lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which
Lawyer number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you." |
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