Don't you just LOVE Italian lawyers?
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him
out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got
the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing
so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells
the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language,
asks Guido, "where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what
you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he
doesn't know what you are talking about"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says,
"Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't
tell him." Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The
Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He
says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just LOVE Italian lawyers?
Q: How do you shut up an Italian?
A: Tie their hands behind their back.
Q. What does FIAT stand for?
A. Frenzied Italian At Traffic-lights.
Q. How is the Italian version of Christmas different?
A. One Mary, one Jesus, and 32 Wise guys.
Q. How do Italian girls shave their legs?
A. They lie down outside and have someone mow them.
Q. Why is it that most Italian Men are called Tony?
A. When they boarded the boat to America, they stamped To NY [Tony] on
their foreheads...
Francis and Isabella were having their usual battle of the sexes.
"Italian men are all stupid," screamed Isabella
"Oh, yeah?" yelled her husband. "I'll have you know it was an Italian
man who invented the toilet seat!"
"And I'll have you know," said his wife, "it was an Italian woman who
thought of putting a hole in it!"
Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a
virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was
nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good
man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says,
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his
pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her
mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go
upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks,
and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this,
she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for
Mama!
Young Mario lived in Italy and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he
drove up saying, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Mario replied,’ Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Mario said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'what ya gonna do with a dead donkey?
Mario said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Mario said, 'Sure I can, I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Mario and asked, 'What happened
with that dead donkey?'
Mario said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and I made
a profit of $898.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Mario said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave him his $2 back.'
Mario now works for the government.
How to Impress an Italian Lady:
Wine her, dine her, hug her, support her, compliment her, suprise her,
smile at her, hold her, romance her, laugh with her, shop with her,
cuddle her, go to the end of the earth for her...
How to Impress an Italian Man:
Show up naked, Bring Beer.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in
an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella
Mississippi."
Italian Pregnancy
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man
with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a
Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun,
places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him.
'You gonna try again.' |
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