Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is
full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they
both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother
you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me
another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea
... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You
order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you
had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the
wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I
married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man
just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her
keep him.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a
condition
imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Dan and his wife,
Barb, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's
favorite flower?'
Dan leaned over, touched Barb's arm gently, and
whispered, 'Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Dan's life of celibacy.
A husband, the owner of a new car, was
somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession...even to the
grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed,
"Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"
A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing
as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,
he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away
from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wi fe and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'Frank , for
the FIFTH Dam time, CHICKEN!'
After retiring, I went to the Social
Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was
very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt" so I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security
application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too."
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table
at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into
a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "You
know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a
little different.
The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got
pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant
again.
Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Marie with me."
The day after her husband disappeared in a fishing accident in Port George,
Nova Scotia, a lady answered her door to find two grim-faced Mounties.
'We're sorry madam, but we have some information about your husband
said one Mountie.
'Tell me! Did you find him?' the wife shouted.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear
first?
Fearing the worst, the ashen wife said,
'Give me the bad news first.'
The Mountie said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, madam, but this morning we found
your husband's body in the bay.
Oh my God!' exclaimed the wife. Swallowing hard, she asked,
'What's the good news?'
The Mountie continued,
'When we pulled him up, he had 12 twenty-five pound snow
crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to him.'
Stunned, the wife demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the
great news?'
The Mountie said, 'We're going to pull him up again tomorrow.'
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