A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to
spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get
in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old
gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as
he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join
him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far,
but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached
the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a
large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and
the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said,
"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball
up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground
not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine
tree was only three feet tall."
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the
clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get
his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth
hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the
course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway
and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing
into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the
fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right
thumb."
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor
for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is
that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a
shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the
stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't
hurt."
Poor Tiger the Jokes are coming out Fast and Furious Now!Tiger Woods is so
rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400
yards.
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went
clubbing
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a
wood and an iron.
Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards
Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So
Gillette has dropped his contract.
After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his
wife
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks,
"What are you going to use on this hole, my son? "
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops
his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we
pray, we keep our head down."
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is
synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with
the shadow.
~ Sam Snead
You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen.
~ Lee Trevino
I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming
pool.
~ George Brett
Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And
I took a 7 to do that.
~ Jim Murray
The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play
the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
~ Kevin Costner
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American
golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten
minutes later with a ham on rye.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Weis
Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can
never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the
clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny
There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games,
one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're
the best
~ Jack Nicklaus
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
~ H G Wells
I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere
except on the course.
~ Billy Graham
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work
at it, it's golf.
~ Bob Hope
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henny Youngman
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are
so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up
sliced.
~ Lee Trevino
Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot
lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How
would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"
Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."
Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball
high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds.
Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that
tree.
Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."
Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President
Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and
Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
A golfer was addressing his ball on the first hole, getting read to swing. As he
was about to hit, a voice came over the P.A. system, “Will the gentleman on the
ladies’ tee please move back to the men’s tee.”
The golfer looked up and then resumed addressing the ball.
The voice again, “Will the Man on the Red tees please move back to the White
tees!!”
The golfer looked back at the starter’s shack and said,
“Will the man on the P.A. please shut the hell up, so that the man on the ladies
tee can hit his second shot!”
Upon arriving home from a round of golf, Tom’s wife says, “You look like
hell, what happened?”
Tom replied, “Well, everything was going great until we got to the third tee.
When Harry got up to hit his shot, he collapsed with a heart attack.”
“Why that’s awful, but why do you look so tired?” the wife asked. As Tom sat
down to rest his weary bones, he said, “Well for the rest of the round it was -
hit and drag Harry.... hit and drag Harry.... “
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus met at a charity event. As one would expect
the conversation turned to golf. As one would not expect Stevie indicated that
he loved playing golf. Jack was intrigued.
“How do you play golf?” asked Jack.
“My caddie lines me up then he runs out into the fairway where he makes noise
and I hit toward him.”
“Ok, but what do you do on the green?”
“Pretty much the same thing except my caddie get down on his knees close to the
hole and makes noise and I putt toward the noise.”
“That’s pretty amazing, I would love to play with you some time.”
“That would be great. Except I must tell you that I take my golf very seriously
and I always play for at least a $100,000 a hole.”
At this point with people all around, Jack’s ego wouldn’t let him back out and
he said, “You’re on! When do you want to play?”
To which Stevie replied, “Oh, any night this week is good for me.”
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need
companionship.”
“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”
“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not
going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.”
“Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last a long
time, so I guess she would.”
“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed,
would she use my golf clubs?”
“Oh, no,” the husband replies. “She’s left-handed.”
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. I almost feel like a hybrid!
THE ROOM WAS FULL OF PREGNANT WOMEN WITH THEIR PARTNERS.
THE CLASS WAS IN FULL SWING.
THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATHE PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING
THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF
THE PREGNANCY.
SHE SAID " LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU.
WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND WILL
MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!"
SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER -- YOU'RE IN THIS
TOGETHER --- IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER."
THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION.
THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND.
"YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER.
"I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?"
Golf Poem
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes..
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow
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