"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last
promotion.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
When happy hour is a nap.
When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
When you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get
you home earlier.
When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the
street is still there.
When you stop buying green bananas.
When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the
night before.
When you were in school there was no history class!
When your birth certificate says expired on it.
When you're told to act your own age, and you die.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."-----------------------------------------------------------------
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50,
or, If you're not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you???"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8 You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won 't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list!
20. And you notice these are in Big Print for your convenience.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
This is really serious!!!!
CLEVER SCAM ... taking advantage of middle aged men , It's always good to be
warned of these scams...and be alert not to miss any opportunities. Women with
husbands take special note. How many trips to Rona, Home Depot, etc., is he
making?
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark
parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to
pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more
commonplace as the weather warms. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular
Rona, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be
naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are
packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield
with a rag and Windex, with their chests almost falling out of their skimpy
T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a
tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over
you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Sept. 4th,
9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Oct. 1st & 4th,
twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last
Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
middle aged men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
FYI: Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99
at Winners and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds.
I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Rona, Home Depot, and
Costco.
Aren't Old Timers Great!
Two guys, one old timer and one young, were pushing their carts around
Costco when they collide.
The old timer said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy said, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?"
The young guy replied, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old timer said, "It doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
Most old timers are helpful like that!
Roger marries at age 85
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old..
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their
wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is
concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they
spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door
opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They
unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she
prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock
on her bedroom door,and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised,
Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger
kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go
to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is
back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,
ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as
Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,
'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and
so
often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only
good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was
here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
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