The recession has hit everybody really hard...
My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while
she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and
ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it and they
re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an
accountant.
Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
Three accountants and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At
the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three
accountants buy only a single ticket
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant.
They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all
three accountants cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly
after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He
knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The
conductor takes it and moves on.
The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and
save some money (knowing that accountants are clever with money). When they get
to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant.
When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the
three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly
afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the
restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
"Ticket, please."
A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring
accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced
accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope,
removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the
room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his
day's work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the
message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so
inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.
Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a
wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously
as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following
message:
"Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window."
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of
the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers,
including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets,
watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in
accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two
whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50
I owe you."
What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don't
understand.
An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the
dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten
months old".
"Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two
billion years old."
Q: Why are they putting the accountants at the bottom of the ocean?
A: They found out that deep down they're really not so bad.
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of
the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers,
including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets,
watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in
accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two
whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50
I owe you."
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an
accountant joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know
that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting
next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still
want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two times."
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read:
"Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at
the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as
follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this
letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because
you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more
times than 54 goes into 18."
A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam.
The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months
to live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."
Taxes explained with beer.
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes
to $100.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like
this:
The 1st four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The 5th would pay $1.
The 6th would pay $3.
The 7th would pay $7.
The 8th would pay $12.
The 9th would pay $18.
The 10th man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar everyday and
seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a
curve.
'Since you are all such good customers,' he said,
'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. 'Drinks for the ten now
cost just $80.The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes
so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what
about the other six men - the paying customers?
How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair
share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted
that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end
up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be
fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same percentage, and he proceeded
to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so the 5th man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The 6th now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The 7th now paid $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The 8th now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The 9th now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The 10th now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to
drink for free.
But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
'I only got one dollar out of the $20,' declared the 6th man.
He pointed to the 10th man,' but he got $10! ''Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed
the 5th man.
'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair he got ten times more than I!
'That's true!!' shouted the 7th man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only
two?
The wealthy get all the breaks!
'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at
all.
The system exploits the poor!
'The 9 men surrounded the 10th and beat him up. The next night the 10th man (the
richest) didn't show up for drinks, so the 9 sat down and had beers without him.
But when it came time to pay the bill, they
discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of
them for even half of the bill!
The richest man had been paying for more than all the rest combined.
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, liberals and
socialists everywhere, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the
highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much,
attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact,
they might start drinking where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
(based on an article by D. R. Kamerschen, Ph.D., Professor of Economics
University of Georgia) |
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